The other night for date night the hubby and I went to Fulin’s…one of our favorite “dine out” asian restaurants. Well, as at any asian restaurant there were fortune cookies. It got me to thinking….who comes up with the fortunes that go inside the cookies? If that’s a job then I want it.

What fortunes would you write to go in the cookies???????

One of my favorite movies is Grease! I’m a sucker for a musical. It’s also one of my sister’s favorite movies. We used to watch it ALL the time. We used to sing the songs together when they’d come on the radio. We did the same thing with the songs from the movie Moulin Rouge. We’d switch out….I’d sing the female part, she’d sing the male part and vice versa. It was so much fun goofing off to these songs. But anyway, I digress. One of our favorite songs to sing from Grease is Summer Lovin. You know, the one where John Travolta and Olivia Newton John sing together? That song always makes me happy. It makes me think of a young couple who are madly in love and are enjoying their summer together. I always wanted to be “Sandy” and be in love that way.

I was able to go to the beach with my family this past weekend. We had a great time together sitting on the beach, having lunch together, and enjoying watching the kids play in(or “look at” in Bennett’s case) the ocean. It was one of the best trips in a long time. But one of my favorite things about the trip was spending my summer with the ones I love.

It has taken me a long time but I have learned that love comes in many forms and isn’t always romantic. Love isn’t always fireworks and earthquakes. Sometimes love is subtle, as gentle as the breeze from a butterfly’s wings or as soft as the petals of a rose. Love comes unexpectedly and without warning. But this kind of love is the tried and true variety and is invaluable.

While at the beach I saw what true love is….it’s my father patiently helping my mother walk through the sand to our chairs, it’s my husband watching Bennett in the early morning so I can have “just a few more minutes” of sleep, my daughter’s smile when I say “let’s go to the pool,” I could go on and on. I feel so blessed to have such love in my life! Family means the world to me and I’m so happy to have such a wonderful one!

Some of my favorite times with my children are when they are wanting to cuddle. When Emma was little we would cuddle all the time. Some of that was because I was a single mom living in a one bedroom apartment and we shared a king sized bed. But most of the time she would want me to cuddle with her on the couch while we watched Strawberry Shortcake or Winnie the Pooh. Those moments are so precious to me! She was, is, and I hope, always will be my cuddle bug!

My cuddly moments with my son are totally different. The are just as sweet and precious but they come in a different “wrapping” so to say. I was able to breastfeed him until he was a year old; something I wasn’t able to do with my daughter Emma. Throughout his infancy these were the times where I was able to cuddle with him. Since he has begun walking I’ve been blessed with him intermittedly running to me to give me kisses. At times he will run to me and then lean against me while he is playing. It is as if he is just “making sure of me” as Pooh bear would say. I love his cuddling! He’s my snuggle bunny.

But there are other times when Bennett likes to cuddle…and it’s not solely with me. He LOVES his daddy! It is so sweet to watch him run to his daddy and reach up to him. He’s the only person that I’ve been denied for. Last night daddy and I were lying on the floor with Bennett playing. Daddy calls it Ezra Clawhammer’s hand-to-hand combat training. I just call it priceless. But as we were lying there, Bennett running in between the two of us, I was briefly struck by a sense of sadness…I wasn’t afforded that luxury with my daughter. There was never a time when it wasn’t just me, her mother, cuddling with her.

I feel very blessed now to be able to lie on the couch with my babies and cuddle with them…and their father. God has a funny way of fixing things that we so often make a mess of. Six years ago I would never have believed you if you told me that I would be happily married to an incredible man who loves my daughter as his own and who provides for us no matter how hard that can sometimes be. I would not have believed that I would be working on my master’s degree and being blessed with a house that is such a welcoming home. There are days when I wake up and worry about the things of life and I find myself weighed down by those things, sometimes even depressed. But I have to readjust, refocus on the blessings that God has poured out upon me and my family. Sometimes just the littlest things make the most profound impact on me: my engagement ring when the light catches it just the right way, the fact that we have electricity, a piece of paper hanging on our walls that proves that I am some “degree” of smart, the quack my phone makes when my husband calls, my son’s plee for “ma ma,” the endless supply of  handmade cards I get from my daughter enscribed with how much she loves me…..these are the seemingly insignificant things that make my life undeniably happy. Just like cuddling with my children!

Most days I feel like I am running on empty. Go here, go there, do this, don’t do that, pay this person, pick up this child…la di da di da. Day in, day out I feel like I’m forgetting to do something. The thing I’m mostly forgetting is to take care of me.  I think as a mom one of the biggest challenges is to worry about ourselves in the midst of taking care of all of our other responsibilities. For example, this past weekend my little man Bennett had been sick. During this time all I did was care for him; as I should. However, I forgot to worry about taking care of myself. As a result I now have a sinus infection that’s trying to turn into a upper respiratory infection. I have to take care of myself in order to take care of my family. If I’m sick or unhappy or sleep deprived then how can I take the best care of my family? I can’t.

Now that school’s out I’m going to try and focus on taking better care of myself physically and mentally. In other words I’m going to make myself my own priority. So in making myself a priority there are several things that I want to do……

-I want to read my bible on a daily basis

-I want to scrapbook: I want to keep up with Bennett’s scrapbook and try to stay current with Emma’s.

-I want to workout: It makes me feel better physically and mentally

-I want to read a book that’s not on a school syllabus

-I want to spend quality time with my children: I want to spend some one-on-one time with my daughter

-I want to date my husband again

There are so many more little things that I would like to do but listing them would take forever and bore everyone. I just kow that I need to take care of myself and make myself happy. Because as the old saying goes…if momma ain’t happy then ain’t nobody happy! It’s time for momma to spend some time on herself.

This past weekend I was able to attend the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus with my mother and children. I was very excited about going because Emma, my oldest, had never been before. When I was little I used to go with my Aunt Sharon. I had so much fun when we went. I had forgotten how much fun it was to go to the circus. So anyway, Emma, Bennett, my mother, and myself all went to the circus together. We spent WAY too much on glow-y, spin-y things, drinks and popcorn. Bennett even got some plastic circus animals as a souvenir. But there were two things in particular that I loved the best.

1- The look of wonder in my children’s eyes!

Emma was in awe most of the time we were there. She kept saying, “did you see that Mom?” There were animals, magic tricks, clowns (the funny kind), canons, tight rope walkers, acrobats, and so much more. Each time something happen I would look back at her and she just had this look of amazement in her eyes. I was jealous. There was such innocence in her expressions because she had never seen any of this before. I wanted to be able to look at things like that. She said her favorite things was the tigers and the canon that fired people out; that was “the best part” she said.

When Bennett wasn’t screaming or crying he had that same look as Emma. His was a little different though. His look consisted of mouth open and eyes wide with surprise. I think if I had to guess his favorite part it would be when the guys ran on the wheels that had counter weights on them 0>. if that makes any sense. He liked to watch these huge silver structures go in a  continual arc around the arena. It was really neat.

2- This may not make sense to many people but here goes…I liked how the circus made me feel normal.

Let me explain.  We came to the circus to be entertained by things that made us wonder and question what we knew to be true. Tigers are supposed to be dangerous wild animals but yet I saw them follow a trainer’s instruction. People aren’t supposed to be able to walk upside down but yet I saw this happen. People aren’t supposed to disappear into thin air but yet I saw them turn into tigers. What’s your point you ask? Things aren’t always what they seem.

I’ve had a really rough couple of weeks lately. You wouldn’t know though. You see, I’m kind of like the Circus sometimes. I can have something going on in all three rings simultaneously and still seem like I’ve got my head on straight. I can present myself with vibrance and vitality and appear to be happy and secure. But like the magic tricks at the circus, things with me are not always what they seem. I wouldn’t tell Emma this, I’ll let her keep that wonder, but the guy didn’t really disappear or levitate, walk upside down, or get cut in half. All these things are great but they are just an act.

This past Sunday at Crosspoint Kevin spoke on how we need to confess to one another. Well here’s my confession… I’m depressed and I don’t know why. I’ve got pretty good magic tricks up my sleeve so no one knows this but when the show’s over and the lights come up I’m not alright. I just needed to get that out.

So the Greatest Show on Earth made me realize that I don’t have to be. It’s ok that I’m screwed up and it’s ok that I can’t juggle all the things that life throws at me. I may not believe it when I say it but I know these things. I’m working on letting go of the illusion and being something a little more like me. I’m not sure who that is anymore but I think I’d like to find out.

in honor of e.e.cummings this post will be done in lower case. please forgive any grammatical errors that may occur as a result. i’m just feeling lazy today. like so many people at this time of the year, i have been contemplating what, if any, new years resolutions i would like to make. the first thing that went through my mind was that i do NOT want to make a resolution just to break it in less than a month. so i decided what i would do is make some non-resolutions; resolutions without the impending doom of breaking them. if i keep them then that’s great but i’m going to give myself credit for even contemplating them. so here goes….

1- ‘meditate’ on God’s word….the english major in me is really bad about reading just to read. but go figure, would you want to meditate on cirriculum entitled educator as evaluator? so i want to actually meditate on the words that God felt were important enough to make a cameo in His word. that word was put their with intention and i want to make sure i take the time to understand why as well as what its purpose is in being there.

2-spend more quality time with my children (older child especially)…trace adkins wrote a song not long ago entitiled “you’re gonna miss this.” everytime i hear it it makes me cry because it is so true. one day i’m going to look back and miss this time in her life. i want to make sure that everyday i have quality time with her. even if that time is short i want her to look back and say that “my mommy made me a priority.”

3-invest more of myself into my commitments (school imparticularly) …. the past couple of semesters have been quite taxing for me. as a direct result i haven’t been putting as much effort, i feel, into my classes as i should. this semester i am going to strive to put all my effort into my classes even when i don’t feel like i can due to other responsibilities.

4-lose the baby weight…enough said

5-get our finances into better shape….nuf said

6-get somewhat caught up in my scrapbooks (it’s lofty but we all need some lofty goals).

One of my favorite shows to watch is Sex in the City. When I was single and living with my baby Emma in our one bedroom apartment I would watch each episode with anticipation. My mother had the entire set and I would borrow them from her one at a time. Each night after going to school and working one, two, or both jobs I would prepare for my indulgence. Lights off, doors locked, baby in bed, I fixed myself a cosmo and turned on Sex in the City.

There are a lot of different reasons why I liked this show: the story line, the characters, the setting, etc. But the biggest reason I like the show is because of the relationships that are presented in Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha. The four of them had such a bond and were such an integral part of each others lives. So when I sat down and watched each episode I felt like I was being able to have a “night with the girls.” As a poor, single mom this was definitely something to look forward to.

Now happily married and a mother of two, female friendships like in Sex in the City seem like a luxury. At least that was what I thought until the other day. I got to watch the Sex in the City Movie the other day with my little man. I got excited, I cried…but in the midst of Carrie’s heartbreak, I came to a realization…I have those relationships! They don’t come in the same packaging of Louis Vutton and Manolo’s amidst New York City’s fashion week but I have women in my life who love me and who I can count on. I feel so blessed that I have these women in my life! They are strong, insightful, funny, uplifting, beautiful women who have been there for me when I was “hopeless.” They have accepted me in spite of all my faults and they have been there with open arms each time I have fallen down. Scratched, bruised, and covered in the issues of life they have been there for me. To these incredible women I want to say thank you! Your love and encouragement have meant the world to me. I could never express how blessed I feel to have you in my life. So in conclusion I must say….Carrie Bradshaw doesn’t have anything on me!!!!

As I sit here tonight, typing at the kitchen table, I have a big decision to make….wine or liquor. For the sake of my son I think I’ll skip both and choose my other indulgence; choclate. I wish the tiaramisu could take away my worries. Tomorrow would be so much easier that way.

I am so tired of tomorrows and the troubles that they bring. In the background you can just imagine some lonesome cowboy singing, “nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen…nobody knows my sorrows.” Wah, wah, wah, you say, “stop whining.” If that is your perception of this blog I must apologize. Please read it as more venting and as a way to seek advice than whining. It just seems that we can never catch a break. There is always another hand out waiting to be paid. I wish I could said it was “the Man” but in some instances it appears to be “the woman.” Regardless of the sex they are both vengeful, spiteful, and on the top of my hit list. Each entity is the cause of my feelings of depression and hopelessness. The only hope I have is in my Savior.

So here is where I ask for advice. How do you rise above those who seek to do you harm? How can you look at them without having thoughts of immense discomfort course through your brain: their discomfort not yours. How can you look at your dwindling finances and not want to jump of a cliff? How, how, how? I know the easy answer is just trust in the Lord. Easier said than done. When are we given the opportunity to show human emotion and look to God and ask “why?” When is it ok to say “enough, I can’t take anymore.” When does God finally say OK? I don’t know the answer to these questions. Mayber no one does. The only thing I know is that my God is loving and merciful and promised that He would never give us more than we can bear. This I know…”for the Bible tells me so.”

The question is….if enough is not in fact enough, how do you survive until it is?

Well, it’s official…my semester is finally over. Whew! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the sun has emerged from behind the clouds. I feel like I could take on the world…or at least the dust bunnies in my house and the mount o’laundry that has formed during my insanity. My mind has begun to settle from the chaos the semester has ensued and it is nice for my thoughts to be able to drift. Before I felt a constant sense of anxiety about not being able to finish my work. I had two incompletes from the spring semester which I had to finish along with the work for my education classes. Throw in school observations in Hampton Cove, a seven year old, a newborn, and a husband and you can understand why I had reached my wits end. There still may be the possibility for some residual stress (filling an extension on a paper as we speak) but overall things are much better. Sadly, the one thing that I am looking forward to the most is sleep. When the day was done and the children were in bed, I had to get started on my school work. I was able to crawl into bed most nights around 1am only to wake up at 3 to take care of the baby and then to get up again when my hubby left for work. Sleep deprivation sucks! I can’t wait to be able to crawl into bed and read my Bible and then drift off to sleep. There is so much I am looking forward to….spending more time with my husband and daughter, scrapbooking, watching mindless TV, reading a book not required on a syllabus, and getting to back to the gym. My smile returns just thinking about it all. (deep sigh of relief) I am so thankful that the semester is over and I can finally breath again!

I love Thanksgiving but probably not for the same reasons as everyone else. As a student I love Thanksgiving because it marks the end of my semester. YEAH!!!!!! The jubilation and relief that comes with this time of the year gives me much to be thankful for. So since next week is turkey week that means that my semester is almost at the end. Hopefully then I will be able to blog more consistently. I have a lot that I would love to say (not that anyone would prefer to hear me say it). Regardless, I’ll try and blog more often. But as of now I’m still in school pursuing that academic rainbow. Some days it feels more like rain than rainbows though. As for the news flash…today was my last day in one of my two education classes! I would really appreciate it if the two of you who read my blog would pray for me; pray that God helps me to persevere till the end of this semester. I’ve got a huge weight on my shoulders and I know that my God is the only one who can lift it.